Friday, September 4, 2015

Baby Got Backhaul

"Baby Got Backhaul" 

A Wi-Fi musical parody of "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot

Written: September 2015 
Updated November 2021

Spoken Intro:

"Oh, my, God. Look at that WAP!
It is so big, it looks like <scoff>
One of those flying saucers.
But, ya know, who understands that Wi-Fi?
They only connect, because,
The SSIDs like totally open, 'kay?
I mean, the AP, is just so big!
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like out there
I mean <scoff> gross, look
It's just so, huge!"


I like big WAPs and I cannot lie!
You CWNAs can't deny
That when you see an AP with an itty-bitty mount
And more antennas than you can count
You get sprung!

Want to pull out iPerf
'Cause you notice that bandwidth's stuffed
Deep into two LAG ports its sporting
I'm hooked and I can't stop hoarding

Oh baby, I want to connect with ya
And upload pictures
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that WAP you got makes... <me so bandwidth hungry>

You say you want to give me over 1 Gig?
Well, sound me, beamform me
Cause you ain't that average A.P.

I've seen it linking
To hell with LEDs blinking
It's set and forget
Got it goin' like a hard wired net…

I'm tired of marketing
Saying ax is the thing
Take the average user and ask him that
Its gotta pack much backhaul

So, fellas (Yeah) Fellas (Yeah)
Has your network got the WAP? (Hell yeah)
Tell 'em to stream it (Stream it) Stream it (Stream it)
Surf that healthy WAP

Baby got backhaul! (A.P. fits with the spec, OMG!)
Baby got backhaul! (A.P. fits with the spec, OMG!)

I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm pulling over 1 gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an hacker
Now here's my factor:
I want to get you home
And <ugh> rack-em-up <ugh, ugh!>
I ain't talking bout mounts, boy
'Cause 1U racks are made for toys

I want 'em real thick and heavy
So find radios in double
@EmperorWiFi’s in trouble
Begging for that coverage bubble

So I'm looking at WAP videos
Network vendors pretending they know
You can have them vendors
I'll keep my APs with more radios

A word to the bonded channels, I want to make you bigger.
I won't interfere with ya.
But I gotta be straight when I say I want to <surf> 'til the break of dawn

AP's got it goin' on!
A lot of MSPs won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause my antenna's long, and its strong, and I'm down to get the beacons on

So, Ladies (Yeah) Ladies (Yeah)
If you want to surf the net with no zzzzzz's (Yeah)
Then turn it on, crank it out
Even CWNE's got to shout

Baby got backhaul!
Baby got backhaul!

Yeah, baby, when it comes to APs
Marketing ain't got nothing
To do with my selection
Ha ha, only if it's Wi-Fi 6E

So your engineers roll "smart APs",
Giving you dashboard screens for large fees.
But those screens won't give you total control of that AP...
My cloud monitor don't want none unless you've got MIBs, hon'
You can do TACACS or CAPWAP
But please don't lose that SNMP

Some WISPs want to play that "hard" role
And say auto-channel is such gold
So they install it and forget it
And I pull up quick to reset it

So you're controller architecture’s "fat"...
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your overheads small and your GUI's kicking
And I'm thinking bout sticking
To the controller-less WAPs in the enterprise
You ain't winning no prize

Give me spectrum, I'll collect 'em
DFS channels ain't just pro tem

Some knucklehead tried to dis...
'Cause his APs are on my list
He had game but he chose to mesh 'em
And I pull up quick to connect 'em

So APs, if the uplink ain't down
And you want lots of clients around
Dial 1-900-SURFSALOT
And broadcast all those streams

Baby got backhaul!
Baby got backhaul!

(Signal in the middle and its got much backhaul)
(Signal in the middle and its got much backhaul)


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